One of the most valuable things my husband has learned (and subsequently passed on to me - cuz we can only afford for one of us to be crazy at a time) in therapy is being present. Recognizing feelings and situations for what they are now - not what they were and not what you're afraid they'll be but what everything is right now in this moment. Working on this skill (and it IS a learned skill) has helped both of us in our marriage, parenting, how we relate to the other, and in life in general.

I forget almost moment to moment but when I remember, I experience so much more peace...something I have struggled with my whole life. Peaceful is a quality I would NEVER attribute to myself.

I think part of this skill has to do with the discipline of thankfulness. It's cliche but true - counting your blessings does wonders. I'm not saying it will solve your problems or make the shitty stuff go away or cause the clouds to part and the sun to come out. But for a moment - maybe even just a few seconds, it does help.

So here's a little list for this moment. I am thankful for....
* the sunny, warm day after a string of dark clouds and spring snow
* a husband who loves everything about me and tells me all the time
* snuggles from my girls on the chair and a body that is healthy and strong enough to hold a VERY TALL 8 year old and almost 5 year old and squeeze the breath out of them
* a quick mind and useful skills (even if potential employers don't see it)
* lazy Sundays - the kids playing happily together, no theater rehearsals or shows for the husband, no job or chores for me
* my macbook, the internet and all the other things that make it possible for me to write this post and sustain fun and supportive virtual friendships

My life is often far from what I imagined it would be and the struggles are many but right now, right here, in this moment, I am thankful.

About a month ago I started tracking my calories in the hopes of losing about 12 pounds that had crept on after having Aliyah. Even though I wasn't overweight (medically speaking) I didn't feel my best. I discovered I hate counting calories but without doing it I would overeat without even noticing. I also discovered I'm an emotional eater but that's probably a post for another day.

After a couple weeks of cursing the calorie counting method I decided to sign up for the Weight Watchers online plan which is about sticking to a certain number of points (calculated using calories, fat and fiber).

I have been doing WW for 3 weeks and have lost some weight and some inches but the real value has come from what I'm learning about myself beyond my weight - specifically the value of delayed gratification (including celebrating hunger) and patience.

Yes, I know, we all say we need more patience but without "the Universe" dealing you a hand that requires patience, or without making certain lifestyle choices that require more patience, most of us do not actively seek out the growth of this character trait.

And I'm convinced that the inability to delay gratification (esp. material gratification) is at the root of most of our problems as a nation (probably as a human race but only richest countries have the ability to "enjoy" instant gratification). We're quick to retaliate for perceived wrongs, we're quick to get into debt, we expect others to change immediately and if they don't we give them the boot....etc. I am also convinced that because of our instant gratification culture, we have to work especially hard at this discipline.

To give a practical example and demonstrate what a slow, day to day process this is for me - today, I was baking bread (an exercise in patience and delayed gratification on its own) and I knew that as soon as it was done I'd want at least 2 warm slices with peanut butter (my mom always baked our bread and this is how we'd eat the fresh out of the oven slices). It just so happened that the bread was going to get done a couple hours after my usual lunch time. Normally I would have eaten lunch and then eaten the bread (adding many extra calories to my day). This time I made the choice to celebrate my hunger, delay my gratification and eat my bread and peanut butter as a late lunch instead.

This might sound silly to some of you but for me, the very act of being in the moment and being self aware was a feat. Not to mention putting off lunch and the slow act of baking bread from scratch (I don't have a bread machine).  So today, I say, three cheers for delayed gratification and patience. Ask me if I feel the same tomorrow ;)

One of the more common weight loss tips is to use a small plate and/or not to eat everything on your plate. This obviously comes down to portion control - assuming that if you're overweight, you're probably not doing well understanding what makes a healthy portion size or you lack the self restraint necessary to limit your portions. Another common tip is to drink more water because very often, the feeling of thirst can be (strange but true) confused with the feeling of hunger - esp. for people who tend to overeat and don't do well reading hunger cues anyway.

I personally have found these tips to be useful in weight loss but I have also found them very accurate in life choices. I have been going through a pretty severe bout of depression for a long time...brought on by circumstances for sure, and possibly problems with my thyroid (waiting for the results on that one) but one of the main contributing factors (which is also an element in the circumstances I mentioned) is that I have too much on my plate and much of it is not satisfying or healthy.

So, to use the weight loss truisms - I need a smaller plate. i.e. I need to err on the side of underestimating my bandwidth and I need to make sure most of what I put on my plate will be good for me and enjoyable. I also need to drink more water. i.e. I need to incorporate activities that are purifying, cleansing and healthy for my whole self even if they don't seem to be "productive".

There are other weigh loss tips that would apply - things like, don't deprive yourself just make sure you don't overdo the treats and be choosy, eat as close to the earth as you can and reduce or eliminate the "fake foods", surround yourself with support, etc. But the top two are what I'm going to work on for now.

As a result, there will likely be quite a bit of "plate scraping" over the next month or so and I hope that the people affected by this understand and bear with me as I try to get myself back to a healthy place.

This whole post is lovely - be sure to click over and read the rest.

I need to get back to being present in the moment. I have a TON of worries right now about all kinds of things and it's very overwhelming. Not all of it applies to life in the here and now but it's so hard not to "go there" in my mind.

I'm getting better. I've had some recent problems when parked on a hill, I haven't tried parallel parking yet and I still occasionally rev it or jerk a bit when starting from a dead stop but I'm not as freaked out and making steady progress (now that I'm forced to drive the blasted thing almost every day)

I go to Boulder on Wed. so that will be a big test of my progress. My friend gave me some insight into why I'm having such a hard time embracing this as a challenge (like I normally would) and that was very helpful.

*by the way, I always chuckle at the very euphemistic "drive a stick"...cuz that's just how I roll